Zeke the Screaming Goat

I am certainly not a farmer, but at times I have tried to be one.  Living on a couple acres allows for some adventures, and purchasing a few goats seemed logical in our surroundings.  Even better, the previous owner had built a small goat pen that was just sitting there empty waiting for some excitement.  So, we took the plunge and purchased three goats.  We named them Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.   If we were going to have new family members, they were going to be Christians.  Not only were they going to love Jesus, but they were also going to love me too.  We learn in recovery not to put unrealistic expectations on others, but I figured goats were different.  I just knew that once they arrived that I would be their person.  They would come when I called, follow me wherever I went, and jump with excitement across the pen whenever I approached.  I was soon disappointed.

Immediately upon my goats arriving they ran to the very back of the pen and were not moving.  I assumed it was because this was a new environment and by dinner time, they would be ready to greet me.  But when I went to feed them dinner, they immediately ran as far as they could possibly get from me.  Every morning and every evening we went through the same scenario.  I would call them, bring them food and try to move towards them, but they were NOT having it.  In recovery, we also learn not to control situations, but I was not following that wise advice either.  I would chase the goats until I could corner one and finally pick it up.  It was like I was running around the pen saying, “YOU WILL LOVE ME”!  As soon as I would set the goat down, it would run back to the others and head straight to the back corner making sure to not let me get that close again.

After sharing our dilemma with a friend, they suggested we get a bottle-fed baby goat because they tend to bond with the one feeding them and are much more comfortable around people.  I decided that my three goats were just rebellious teenagers, and a baby was the answer.  Another part of recovery is to not force solutions, but since I enjoy learning things the hard way, we brought home a bottle-fed goat.  We named him Ezekiel (Zeke for short) and I was confident that this little guy would act more like a Christian that the other three.  The first few days were fun, as I brought him inside to feed him multiple times a day.  Unfortunately, you cannot house train a goat, so after his feedings I would take him back to the pen.  Immediately upon closing the gate he would begin to scream.  I thought to myself, this will stop.  It DID NOT.  He screamed ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT.  I guess you could say I got what I asked for, because Zeke was attached.  I was certain after he was weaned off the bottle, this craziness would stop.  Again, I was wrong, and it continued with a vengeance.  Our neighbors became so annoyed, as did we, that we had to find a new home for Zeke on a large farm with plenty of space to roam.

I bet you are wondering how a “screaming goat” has anything to do with addiction or recovery?  Well, it all connected with me during one of my early morning devotions.  I was spending my quiet time with God letting him know how annoyed I was with my addict.  I kept using phrases like, "he does this", and "he does that" and "why won’t he do this" and "why won’t he do that".  I was making sure God knew how displeased I was.  When I finally stopped my complaining and there was a moment of silence, I felt God speak to my heart that I was beginning to sound like Zeke, the screaming goat.  It’s like I could replay in my mind all those nagging comments I had made recently.  Here I was doing all the things that I knew better not to do.  Suggesting he attends meetings, reminding him all the components of his relapse prevention plan, asking where he was going and who he was with, and letting him know the importance of working the 12 steps.  WHAT AM I DOING? God was right, I was NOT working my program and sounded very similar to a screaming goat.  Yikes, I knew I had to get back on track with my recovery before my husband decides to send ME off to a big farm. 😜

I’ve been doing much better with allowing my husband to work his own recovery, while I work on mine.  I have also learned that most of my screaming goat moments stem from discontentment.  Being content comes from within and my outside circumstances should not take away my joy.  This brings me back to the opening we read in most recovery meetings where it says, “we can have contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not”.  Even though we read this consistently it is something we often pass over without realizing how valuable contentment is in our lives.  There are very few days in our entire life, where everything is perfect.  I realize now that I cannot let the road bumps of life STEAL my contentment or I will spend most days dissatisfied.  No more screaming goats for me!  Today I will be content.