You Find What You Are Looking For

I can read your mind right now. You are thinking I'm a stalker and follow my husband around looking for his substance of choice. The truth is we don't have to look very hard. We know where it is at.... that corner in the garage, the center console of their truck, or in that bookbag they never seem to leave home without. Don't judge, you know you have done it too. Seriously, we know it is there, so what are we going to do when we find it? Pour it out? Throw it away? Only for them to go buy it again. While all this might have been true for me in the past, I have long since moved past the stalker phase. I have realized that I will find what I am looking for, so it is time to focus my eyes in a different place.

My counselor had me do an activity that seemed to bring this all into perspective. She asked me to look around the room and name everything that was yellow. I named several items and then she told me to close my eyes. She then asked me to name everything in the room that was blue, with my eyes still shut. I couldn't remember anything that was blue, so she told me to open my eyes. The object of the lesson was "You find what you are looking for". I was looking for yellow and found it easily. I wasn't looking for the blue, so it was much more difficult to find. WOW! Mic drop! My eyes have been focusing on the wrong thing all along. It was time for me to start looking in a new direction.

The key for me was gratefulness. It is a daily practice for me and has been life changing. How you practice gratefulness can look differently to everyone. Some of my friends in Al-anon said they like to go through the alphabet and name something they are grateful for beginning with each letter. Others may say it out loud as they are drifting off to sleep. For me, I use a grateful journal. Staring at a blank notebook is often overwhelming for me, but I actually found a journal called "The Best Journal Ever". It is made for you to just fill in the blanks and that is exactly how my brain works. It starts with the date and then asks what time you went to bed and what time you woke up. To be honest I skip that part because I would need more lines. I went to bed at 10:00 pm, finally fell asleep at 12:00am, got back up at 2:00am for a snack, back to sleep at 2:30, up at 4:00am to potty, and the list goes on and on. Those of you that are middle age totally get what I am saying. LOL! The journal then has a space to write down three things I am grateful for, one affirmation for the day (I am __________), and then a space to journal at the bottom. This is what works for me, but your gratefulness can look however you want it to look.

When you're loved one is in the middle of active addiction it sounds crazy to be grateful, but it is possible. We are survivors and what was meant to destroy us will not take away our peace, joy, or happiness. It is okay if your gratefulness starts out simple with things like your home, kids, bed, food, etc. As you continue to practice gratitude your list will grow, and you may be amazed that your addicted loved one may one day appear on that list. I know right now you are rolling your eyes at me saying. "Nope, Never, Impossible, not gonna happen". You may be surprised! I recently had someone send me a message through my blog and ask me why I stayed with my husband during his addiction. It was a great question and one that I have asked myself. The answer is simple. There is more good in him than bad, and I will continue to find what I am looking for.