If he REALLY loves me, he will just stop!

Why won't he/she just stop? Haven't we all asked ourselves this question? For the family member, this has become the million-dollar question. We find ourselves phrasing it in all kinds of ways, but we are usually met with denial, resistance, defensiveness, and refusal. I bet you have tried this one too...."Pick either me or the drugs/alcohol". How did that one go for you? I hate to be the barer of bad news, but they will ALWAYS pick the addiction. I remember the first time I made this powerful statement to my addict. I just knew he would look into my eyes and say, "Of course I choose you", but that did not happen. Nope, not even close. He just put on his boots, grabbed a jacket, and out the door he went leaving me dumbfounded.

Over time I have come to understand that someone in active addiction can lose their family, their home, their job, and so much more but still not make the life changing decision towards recovery. Why? Because they have not even come to grips with step 1 of recovery and admitted that they were powerless over addiction and their life had become unmanageable. You are not ready to fix what you are still denying is a problem. On top of this, their brain's hardwiring is off, so how do you expect them to be capable of making any type of rational decision? I used to laugh when people said addiction was a disease until I sat in an addiction education class for the family. WOW! It gave me a little more compassion for someone I previously had given extraordinarily little grace.

So, am I telling you that your loved one cannot stop? Absolutely not! What I am telling you is that you are NOT going to be the one that makes them choose Sobriety. They are! They must figure it out on their own! It does not mean they do not love you, and it doesn't mean you don't love them. But even if it means using Gorilla glue as Chapstick, let them take responsibility for their own recovery.

Stop nagging, crying, manipulating, begging, shaming, guilting, or threatening. These tactics will not work. I have noticed the healthier I became the more interested my husband became in his own recovery. I no longer tell him the dates and times of all the AA meetings in the area nor guilt him for not attending. In contrast, I go to my own AFG meetings and come home with a little more joy, peace, and contentment. I don't stalk him, go through his things, check the bank account, or commit any of those "insane" habits I've been known to do. My recovery is my responsibility and I'm "ALL IN"! His recovery is his responsibility, and I am so grateful that I have been able to separate myself from the insanity that loving an addict can cause. So, as I often say...."Go find a meeting and begin your own recovery today" I can promise you that you will be glad you did!