Cornhole Bag to the Cranium?

Yup, he said it. The inevitable question that is asked by most addicts at some point. "How has my addiction affected you?" We were playing corn hole in our driveway at the time and I'm telling you it took everything in me not to rocket that corn hole bag right at his cranium. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs a long list of all the parts of our life that the ugly disease of addiction had disrupted. I wanted to talk about the trust that had been broken, the money that disappeared, the friendships that had ended, the employment opportunities that were missed, the vehicles that were damaged, and the tears that have been shed. Thank you, Jesus, that I am in recovery and have learned just a few things along the way so I was able to look back at him as I handed him his corn hole bag and say, "I think it's your turn".

The truth is, he really was oblivious to the effects of his addiction on those around him. If he can't see it, am I crazy enough to think he is going to be the one to help me find the peace I was so desperately searching for? I'm embarrassed to say, that was my mindset for quite a long time. My favorite phrase was, "If he would just get sober then I could _______". I filled that blank in with statements like:

enjoy my life

have security

find joy

laugh

take a vacation

and the list goes on and on

Every day seemed to have a new excuse of why my life wasn't fulfilling and the problem was always him. Until it wasn't! It was during my quiet time one morning that God laid on my heart that "I" was the reason I had no peace. I don't know if you have talks with God like I do, but most days I'm just real. So, I quickly let Him know he had this thing all backwards. Did He not see what I was having to deal with? I'm the victim here! But God wasn't going to be a participant in my pity party, and I had to admit again that God was right, and I was wrong. It was my fault. I can't control anyone else's behavior, but I CAN control mine. If I wanted peace, I had to go find peace. If I wanted to laugh, I had to go find laughter. If I wanted to enjoy my life....you guessed it, I had to make it happen. The opening we read in our AFG meeting says, "It is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not". I had a hard time believing this at first, but now I KNOW it is true.

I live my life differently now. I have no longer put my life on hold based on someone else's decisions. Your loved one may be sober right now, but you might be so terrified of a relapse you can't enjoy your life. Maybe your loved one will never choose sobriety, does that mean. you quit living the life God called you to enjoy? NO! One of my favorite slogans in Al-anon is "Live and Let Live". It does not mean to mistreat your addict. It means to take care of yourself, so you are capable of being who you need to be for others. We can mind our own business, give our addict the dignity to lead their own life and take on their own responsibilities and consequences. We often refer to this as staying in our own lane.  One of the most difficult things to do is watch someone we love destroy themselves, but we cannot live anyone's life for them. I've had to hand the care of my husband over to God many times and remember He will do a much better job that I ever could. I must remember that while God is working on him, He is also working on me.

Just a side note.....I did destroy my husband in Corn Hole that day. I guess that was God's way of rewarding me for keeping my mouth shut 🤐🤫