BOUNDARIES

Saying YES to the Right Things, and NO to the Wrong Things!

When I think of the word boundary, the first thing that comes to my mind is a fence. I remember as a very young child, having a fenced in backyard and the neighbors behind us having three very loud and yappie dogs that would often intimidate me and my sisters through that fence. I will never forget the day my mom had all of us in the backyard playing and all of a sudden those dogs figured out how to climb over that fence. They had broken the boundary and the chase was on as my mom screamed "run girls run", we all headed for the house as quickly as we could. We have always teased my mom as we were older about the fact that she was the first one to the house, flinging the back door open and running to safety. Thank goodness my sisters and I quickly followed and we all made it safe inside. My mom has since gone to be with the Lord, but she always used to insist that she made it to the door first just so she could hold it open for us. It doesn't really make any difference who made it in first, the problem was that those dogs had broken our boundary.

As an adult I think of a boundary as a clear line, it shows where one thing ends and another begins. I have also come to realize that boundaries are not optional, they are mandatory in my life. If you are thinking, it is because I am married to an addict, there may be some truth to that. However, no matter who you are or who you're with, boundaries are vital in maintaining healthy relationships. So you may be asking yourself what does a healthy boundary look like? Well, let me give you a few examples:

1. Hey mom, I really love you and love to spend time with you, but I will need you to call me before you just drop by to make sure it's a good time.

2. I am sorry you had a difficult day at school, but I will not allow you to raise your voice when speaking to me. I need you to go in your room until you've had a chance to calm down. When you would like to have this discussion again, in a respectful manner, I would love to hear about your day.

3. I would love to go to your staff Christmas party with you, but last year things got a little out of hand, so I will be taking my own car.

4. I love you son but as long as you are active in your addiction, you are not welcome to live in my home.

5. No, I will NOT bail you out of jail.

6. No, that will not work for me.

7. NO! (This is my favorite)
   

Even though I have become much better at putting boundaries into place, I still struggle sometimes with moving that clear line. Unfortunately, when you don't stand by your boundaries, they become ineffective. It is also very important that you are using boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship, and not to punish the other person. Yes, I admit it, I have done that a time or two. If my motive in setting a boundary is to hurt my husband, or anyone else, I need to rethink that boundary. If putting a boundary in place is going to protect me, physically, emotionally, or spiritually then I'm on the right path. My goal is to establish what is acceptable behavior. The interesting thing is that I originally thought it was only others behaviors I was establishing boundaries on, but now I know my own behaviors need some boundaries as well.

Take some time this week to determine what healthy boundaries might look like for you. Put them in place, don't move them, and enjoy a new level of peace you may never have experienced before.